Monday, April 16, 2012

im so tired!!
physically, mentally, name it.
   my mind hasnt had a break in over 2 years, even though my body is practically catatonic.  i sleep whenever possible but never feel rested.  although my diet has improved i still am maintaining an unhealthy weight.  my mood swings have gotten out of control, and were so much worse during my short pregnancy.  i hide my feelings from everyone, even those who have gone through losses with me.
its time...
   i cant keep going on in this downward spiral.  people have always told me how strong i am, and i fooled myself into believing them.  but the truth is im as weak as the next person.  no superhuman strength here.  i realized how useless i was when david died.  i had hidden behind his strengths for so long that i didnt even realize how weak id actually become.  i tried to dig myself out of the hole id fallen into and felt like i was making progress.  i was actually happy!! or so i thought...had i just fallen into the same routine of hiding behind anothers strengths??  its definitely possible.  but i felt stronger than i had in ages and it felt good to speak my mind and be heard.  but it was short-lived.  he saw through the insecurities and called me on every one of them.  so i stopped talking.  and in turn he stopped listening. 
   the pregnancy was a turning point.  i really was happy...i finally had something to look forward to.  something to give me definition again.  i felt blessed, as if God had given me a gift.  but it wasnt meant to be.  our angel was taken before we ever had a chance to meet her.  the loss has been almost unbearable.  i feel myself slipping into the same dark hole that id worked so hard to get out of.  the only difference is i already laid a path the last time.  i know what needs to be done to dig myself out, its just a matter of motivation. 
but like i said, its time...
   one day at a time.  one baby step after another.  i will fall, but i will always get back up. 
its just time.

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