im so tired!!
physically, mentally, emotionally...you name it.
my mind hasnt had a break in over 2 years, even though my body is practically catatonic. i sleep whenever possible but never feel rested. although my diet has improved i still am maintaining an unhealthy weight. my mood swings have gotten out of control, and were so much worse during my short pregnancy. i hide my feelings from everyone, even those who have gone through losses with me.
i cant keep going on in this downward spiral. people have always told me how strong i am, and i fooled myself into believing them. but the truth is im as weak as the next person. no superhuman strength here. i realized how useless i was when david died. i had hidden behind his strengths for so long that i didnt even realize how weak id actually become. i tried to dig myself out of the hole id fallen into and felt like i was making progress. i was actually happy!! or so i thought...had i just fallen into the same routine of hiding behind anothers strengths?? its definitely possible. but i felt stronger than i had in ages and it felt good to speak my mind and be heard. but it was short-lived. he saw through the insecurities and called me on every one of them. so i stopped talking. and in turn he stopped listening.
the pregnancy was a turning point. i really was happy...i finally had something to look forward to. something to give me definition again. i felt blessed, as if God had given me a gift. but it wasnt meant to be. our angel was taken before we ever had a chance to meet her. the loss has been almost unbearable. i feel myself slipping into the same dark hole that id worked so hard to get out of. the only difference is i already laid a path the last time. i know what needs to be done to dig myself out, its just a matter of motivation.
but like i said, its time...
one day at a time. one baby step after another. i will fall, but i will always get back up.
its just time.
Monday, April 16, 2012
im so tired!!