Thursday, April 26, 2012

what is wrong with me?

he tells me im the most important person in his life...he calls me his best friend...he can admit to all the things he loves about me...but he'll never say the words im dying to hear.  is he afraid? or is it that he doesn't love me?  can someone really mean so much without feeling love? 

Sunday, April 22, 2012

sunday bbq

spent the day in bed and was able to talk for a bit but I can already feel the darkness seeping in.  his eyes change and then wont even look at me.  I've told him that I can see it happening but i doubt if he believes me.  he needs to get away but I see him struggle within himself.  he needs his friends...the real ones...the ones who can see what his soul needs.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

beautiful day

spent the day together...and apart at the same time.  but enjoyed talking seriously and not so seriously with him.  got to sleep in his arms and that was heaven...but once again the phone takes him away and im left sitting alone...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

daily grind

GTL kinda day...minus the G of course... ;)   but did have a nice conversation about the gym with my neighbors...wonder if that counts??

he's a hard one to love

I love our chats... and its been a long time.  im glad I was able to set some things straight...and i think he actually heard some of what I had to say.  there were tears...but they were honest and I think they touched his heart.  let's hope...

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

still following up

sitting in the waiting room, knowing how badly he doesn't want to be there...but then he reaches over and strokes the back of my hand so softly that I wasn't even sure he meant to do it...I look down and he laces his fingers thru mine...I lose myself all over again...tears welling, I thank him for being there with me and he laughs it off like im stupid for thinking he'd rather be anywhere else.  why is he so hard for me to understand?   I love that he's there when I need him...but am I selfish to want him there when I only want him??  my heart and my brain are tired of arguing over him...

Monday, April 16, 2012

done dirty

I have a question...if somebody asks if u have a couple of bucks and u dont have it, but then u go to the atm and pull out a 20 to give to them...should they give u the money they had minus the few bucks they were short or just keep the whole 20 plus what they already had???  im just saying...

im so tired!!
physically, mentally, name it.
   my mind hasnt had a break in over 2 years, even though my body is practically catatonic.  i sleep whenever possible but never feel rested.  although my diet has improved i still am maintaining an unhealthy weight.  my mood swings have gotten out of control, and were so much worse during my short pregnancy.  i hide my feelings from everyone, even those who have gone through losses with me.
its time...
   i cant keep going on in this downward spiral.  people have always told me how strong i am, and i fooled myself into believing them.  but the truth is im as weak as the next person.  no superhuman strength here.  i realized how useless i was when david died.  i had hidden behind his strengths for so long that i didnt even realize how weak id actually become.  i tried to dig myself out of the hole id fallen into and felt like i was making progress.  i was actually happy!! or so i thought...had i just fallen into the same routine of hiding behind anothers strengths??  its definitely possible.  but i felt stronger than i had in ages and it felt good to speak my mind and be heard.  but it was short-lived.  he saw through the insecurities and called me on every one of them.  so i stopped talking.  and in turn he stopped listening. 
   the pregnancy was a turning point.  i really was happy...i finally had something to look forward to.  something to give me definition again.  i felt blessed, as if God had given me a gift.  but it wasnt meant to be.  our angel was taken before we ever had a chance to meet her.  the loss has been almost unbearable.  i feel myself slipping into the same dark hole that id worked so hard to get out of.  the only difference is i already laid a path the last time.  i know what needs to be done to dig myself out, its just a matter of motivation. 
but like i said, its time...
   one day at a time.  one baby step after another.  i will fall, but i will always get back up. 
its just time.