he tells me im the most important person in his life...he calls me his best friend...he can admit to all the things he loves about me...but he'll never say the words im dying to hear. is he afraid? or is it that he doesn't love me? can someone really mean so much without feeling love?
Sunday, April 22, 2012
spent the day in bed and was able to talk for a bit but I can already feel the darkness seeping in. his eyes change and then wont even look at me. I've told him that I can see it happening but i doubt if he believes me. he needs to get away but I see him struggle within himself. he needs his friends...the real ones...the ones who can see what his soul needs.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
sitting in the waiting room, knowing how badly he doesn't want to be there...but then he reaches over and strokes the back of my hand so softly that I wasn't even sure he meant to do it...I look down and he laces his fingers thru mine...I lose myself all over again...tears welling, I thank him for being there with me and he laughs it off like im stupid for thinking he'd rather be anywhere else. why is he so hard for me to understand? I love that he's there when I need him...but am I selfish to want him there when I only want him?? my heart and my brain are tired of arguing over him...
Monday, April 16, 2012
I have a question...if somebody asks if u have a couple of bucks and u dont have it, but then u go to the atm and pull out a 20 to give to them...should they give u the money they had minus the few bucks they were short or just keep the whole 20 plus what they already had??? im just saying...
im so tired!!
physically, mentally, emotionally...you name it.
my mind hasnt had a break in over 2 years, even though my body is practically catatonic. i sleep whenever possible but never feel rested. although my diet has improved i still am maintaining an unhealthy weight. my mood swings have gotten out of control, and were so much worse during my short pregnancy. i hide my feelings from everyone, even those who have gone through losses with me.
i cant keep going on in this downward spiral. people have always told me how strong i am, and i fooled myself into believing them. but the truth is im as weak as the next person. no superhuman strength here. i realized how useless i was when david died. i had hidden behind his strengths for so long that i didnt even realize how weak id actually become. i tried to dig myself out of the hole id fallen into and felt like i was making progress. i was actually happy!! or so i thought...had i just fallen into the same routine of hiding behind anothers strengths?? its definitely possible. but i felt stronger than i had in ages and it felt good to speak my mind and be heard. but it was short-lived. he saw through the insecurities and called me on every one of them. so i stopped talking. and in turn he stopped listening.
the pregnancy was a turning point. i really was happy...i finally had something to look forward to. something to give me definition again. i felt blessed, as if God had given me a gift. but it wasnt meant to be. our angel was taken before we ever had a chance to meet her. the loss has been almost unbearable. i feel myself slipping into the same dark hole that id worked so hard to get out of. the only difference is i already laid a path the last time. i know what needs to be done to dig myself out, its just a matter of motivation.
but like i said, its time...
one day at a time. one baby step after another. i will fall, but i will always get back up.
its just time.